What a kite feels like

I’ve always wanted to go hang gliding. Probably because I would then have an idea what a kite feels like. Do you ever look at inanimate objects and ask them quietly, “What does it feel like to be you? I mean, let’s assume you have a consciousness and actually live. What does that feel like, [add their name here, like Dwight Schrute Bobble Head, Fork, or in my case, Kite]?” Sometimes I do that. But whenever I’m flying a kite, I’m always asking that question. That’s why I want to go hang gliding.

And for all you who are thinking that it would be more kitelike to go parasailing because I would actually be tethered to something, you’re wrong. Same to you, skydiving fans.

Hang gliding apparatuses are shaped like delta kites.

While I was sleeping last night, I dreamed that Christie and I went on a hang gliding date. We used special hang gliders that were actually the shape of diamond, Benjamin Franklin-style kites (a little more difficult to control than their delta style, but worth it). Gliding through the air amongst clouds, adjusting our bodies and kites to the gusts of wind, looking down at the patchwork of farms and city which is China (Did I mention we were in China? Well we were.), it was a dream come true.

We were up there for like five hours. Maybe six. (The world record for hang gliding air time is 24 hours, by the way. Look it up.) When we had gotten tired, we landed in the soccer field of a local Chinese middle school, and pushed the little remotes in our pockets to turn our hang gliders into tents. That’s right: tents. A few little soccer players stopped their game to watch. I even remember an old man coming by, shaking the poles, testing the zippers, and saying, “This is a pretty hefty tent, considering that it was formally a hang glider.”

[Have you appreciated the hand-written sound effects so far?]

I have no idea of whether we planned to sleep there that night. But we had to go to the bathroom.  So we tried the school’s locker room, which for some reason both had no vacancy. (All I remember is one of my former roommates being in there wearing a towel and pretending like he didn’t know me. Jerk.)  Christie and I chose to use a smaller bathroom.  While I was going, she was in the bathroom with me. (This would never, EVER, EVER, EVER happen in real life. When I hear of couples talking to each other while the other is in going to the bathroom, even if it’s on the phone, I want to vomit all over everything everywhere in all places in a way that no ShamWow and 409 could ever, ever wipe up. Ten thousand Merry Maids could never rid the world of that smell.) 

There was a shower in this bathroom. And in the shower were two clothed and soaking wet women. While I was going to the bathroom and talking to Christie (which, dear god, would never ever happen in real life), these women opened the shower curtain and started making small talk. We had a pleasant conversation, not bothering with any questions like, “What are you doing in here?” or “Who takes a shower in their clothes?” Soon enough, though, they closed the shower curtain and apparently left.  Then I got a weird look from Christie.

Christie: What was that all about?

Me: What do you mean?

Christie: You think you can just talk to women in a shower while you’re in the bathroom?

Me: What’s wrong with that? You saw yourself that it was just a friendly conversation.

Christie: A little too friendly for me.

Me: TOO FRIENDLY? Are you kidding me?!

Christie: Yes. Too friendly. You were eye cheating on me. I saw you look them up and down.

Me: Of course I did! I--

Christie: So you admit it! 

Me: You didn't let me finish! I was just so shocked to see them fully clothed in the shower. I was merely taking in the situation. 

Christie: Lustily. 

Me: Come on! 

Christie: Whatever.

[I call this one Self Portrait: The Frustrated Toilet.]

And then I woke up. Christie would never be like that, by the way; she's not the jealous type. And she probably would have no problem with me talking to clothed female strangers in the shower. I probably will never get the chance to test that theory.