Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Second Grade Journal #3: My Knowledge of Holiday Characters Revealed

When my parents told me that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real, I cried. I was sad when I found out that the Easter Bunny isn’t real. When I figured out that Santa isn’t real, I was pissed. No wonder, given the amount of time and thought I—and my parents, and my teachers—had put into my believing in their existence.

Example #1: The Easter Bunny

April 1, 1997
Dear Journal,
On Easter I heard the Easter Bunny. It was 12:00 at night and I was awake. Then I heard a “shh shh shh,” I knew it was the Easter Bunny so I quickly shut my eyes. Then I heard a “chhhhh,” it sounded like keys in an egg. Then I heard two of those noises like that. And then I opened my eyes and I herd, “thump-thump-thump.” And that’s all I heard.
Your friend, Brian

So the Easter Bunny carries keys. How happy my parents (the big fat liars) must have been when they saw how willing I was to believe that the Easter Bunny probably drove a KIA sedan from house to house.

Example #2: Santa Claus / St. Nicholas

December 5, 1996
Dear Journal,
Tonight, St. Nicholas is coming. I know how St. Nicholas got his job. There were three poor ladies that needed to get married, and then St. Nick came and dropped three bags of gold down the chimney.
Your friend, Brian

Apparently at this time we were taught that Santa Claus and St. Nicholas were two different people. This inconsistency should have tipped me off. When Christie heard about this, she was all, “You got two Santas?! Not fair!” And I was like, “No, Santa Claus gave us the big stuff; St. Nick only came for three years and put Sixlets tubes and Hershey Kisses in our shoes. He’s the lamer, less sanitary Christmas character. As for the three poor ladies, I have no idea where that came from."

How did I find this out in the first place? Was it my horrible teachers? Or did I get my information from some other source? I can just picture myself sitting next to a drunk Santa Claus and him telling me, “So there were these three broads who were in need of some cash, and I was all, 'I have some gold for you nice ladies'…”

What are the chances that St. Nick is a pimp?

EDIT: Upon further review and internet searches, the story of the “three poor ladies” is actually a legitimate tale from the St. Nicholas lore

Can I just say that
 I wish Americans would
 adopt Krampus into their
Christmas traditions?
 Austria does it.
And it sounds awesome.


  1. You should post that scientific "why reindeer can fly, 100% proof" type book. I think that may have contributed to your Santa anger. Hahah.

    LOVE the post. You have been so good lately.

  2. Dad here. Yea, sad when these guys fell by the wayside as you got older. I do remember you hanging on a little while longer, refusing to totally believe the truth.

    Liking your diary, Brian.

  3. Let me just say that St. Nick is the fault of your horrible terrible no-good teachers and I'm still ticked at them for telling you about St. Nick and his annoying little habit of appearing right in the middle of the craziest/busiest weeks of the year when moms and dads are already pulling their hair out trying to be a really good Santa and make Christmas a wonderful and memorable experience for their children and then in the middle of the week to find out that we have to run out and buy more candy so we can stick them in the least disgusting shoes of yours that we can find (and at that age ALL of your shoes were really disgusting and gross) because the last thing we wanted was for you to go back to school and have every other kid riding high on a sugar buzz because every other kid's moms and dads also felt obligated to fulfill some masochistic teacher's idea that we need to add yet another tradition to an already crazy couple of weeks where every normal parent (and I'm saying 'normal' in hopes that I really was normal and not some freak) is starting to freak out because there is just to much left to do before Christmas!!!!

    Moving on.

    KRAMPUS???!!! Are you kidding me? Why oh why would any normal (again using the N word) parent scare the crap out of their poor unsuspecting children with this demon-like fantasy?

    Big Fat Liar #1