Sunday, December 26, 2010

"I Know, I Know..." and "Christmas is NOT Funny."

This blog is more gaunt and emaciated than I had planned. Dusty echoes of past posts and empty words clutter the page as if from some other, sweeter time. Visiting this page is like visiting the ghost town somewhere in the last half of Stephen King’s The Talisman, the town with broken buildings and dirty streets, where a naked, grimy woman stumbles pointlessly through garbage and filth, crying—or screaming, I can’t remember—as she passes us to continue on her miserable way, leaving us with a sense of gloom and an urge to leave this place as soon as possible. Maybe that’s a little much; it’s not quite that bad. Has anyone really ever read that book? I did like ten years ago. Stephen King is smoking something strong, let me tell you. 

It has been a while, though. And if that crying naked woman somehow embodied Popcorn Day itself, she would have stopped when she saw me and said, “Oh, hi there, B-…Brian, right? You’re name’s still Brian, isn’t it? You haven’t changed it or anything? I wouldn’t know; I haven’t seen you for what, two months? Let’s see, you posted on October 7th, and then October 27th came around and you gave us this half-assed post that said, ‘Hey guys, uh, I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long, but I’m going to be gone for even longer because I’m lame and super busy, but I’ll be back by Thanksgiving.’  Remember that? Tell me: when do you celebrate Thanksgiving, Brian? Do you celebrate it at the end of November like the rest of us turkey-roasting, stars-and-stripes-loving Americans do, or do you stack it on top of Christmas like a Canadian or something and that’s what you meant by ‘around Thanksgiving’ because IT SURE AS HELL SEEMS LIKE IT, GIVEN THAT CHRISTMAS WAS YESTERDAY AND IT’S THANKGIVING IS SOOOO OVER!!! YOUR TIDINGS ARE NEITHER COMFORTING NOR JOYFUL!!

This is where I put my hands up all calm-like and say...

The musical I wrote, Forwards & Backwards, took up all of my free time. And all of my other time too. Mr. GPA was none too pleased. However, the show was more successful than I had ever thought it could be. 390 people showed up, some having to sit on top of tables or stand.


It was received so warmly that we’re showing again in January. I see you flaring up, Popcorn Day, but rest assured I will not leave you this time.

After the musical I thought that it would also be a slam-bam idea to release my second Christmas album, Snow. Homework, shmomework, right? 

 [You can even buy this, if you want! Click here! Or down there, if you want to spend less / give me less money.]
Snow - Brian Schroeder

Then came finals, which destroyed me and my posture, but ended successfully with grades that would have warranted a parade in my honor if I was in high school. (That means I did well, which I didn’t always do in high school.)

I was totally jipped out of my Christmas spirit. College allows for almost none; any Christmas spirit a college student has is quickly overshadowed by some guilty thought like “I should probably be studying more instead of decorating my dorm room with cut-paper snowflakes and cinnamon-scented pinecones while listening to My Little Drum by the Vince Guaraldi Trio.”

Which I did, by the way, and thought that thought, and went back to studying when the guilt loomed too heavily. Christmas spirit is hardly allowed at college.

Christmas break came, though, ready or not. And thus began my hectic couple of days peppered with a few moments of sublime happiness: a friend’s cabin, a Christmas party with cousins, and much much more. A to-do list is attached. You will see how well I fared.

1. Upon receiving your final grades, discover that you passed all of them, not with flying colors, necessarily, but at least with a few subdued hues hopping merrily along the ground.
2. Don’t pull a muscle in your back while trying to un-stuck a snowmobile.
3. Make horchata for the first time and drink it in December like the song.
4. Read for FUN, dammit. The Hobbit, maybe.
5. Don’t aggravate that back muscle you pulled while trying to un-stuck a snowmobile a second time.
6. Avoid listening to The Christmas Shoes even once. 
Failed. (And don't click that link if you don't have to.)
7. Get your annual massage with Christie.
8. Don’t somehow jab yourself in the elbow with your thumb and injure it while boxing on Kinect. 
9. Avoid listening to The Christmas Shoes even twice.
10. Don’t throw out your back playing Kinect because it will limit your movement on Christmas.
11. Go to the chiropractor on Christmas eve.

And I suppose that brings me to where I am today. Feeling nourished, Popcorn Day?  I don’t want to give you too much too soon; you may get diarrhea.

So I shall return to regular posting.