Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Road Retorts Re-Revisited

What I’m about to share with you has, without a doubt, completely revolutionized the way I see traffic and roads and life forever and ever and ever. 

It’s like that day when I first discovered that mittens are better than gloves for the same reason sleeping bags are better than individual padded bags for each one of your limbs. 
Or it’s like when Christopher Columbus went on a holiday to go see India but instead found a humongous uninhabited island that may or may not have already been inhabited and that meant REAL ESTATE, BABY. 
Or it’s like that time when you first purchased an iPod and you knew it would totally revolutionize the way you exercise, except this time you won’t end up being disappointed in a few months when you realize you never used it and you haven’t worked out at all, but you couldn’t even if you wanted to because your earbuds are lost and the cover is scratched and the battery won’t charge all the way anymore.  
[It’s like that.]
This is crazy cool, so buckle your seat belts. 

This phenomenon is called The Zipper Merge. 
How many times have you been in traffic and you see that the lane you’re in is ending, so you immediately go into the next lane, and then some douchecopter goes speeding past you in the ending lane, and gets a much better spot a half mile ahead? Don’t you just want to punch that guy? 
Well, you’re going to feel pretty foolish for wanting to punch such a genius, because that douchecopter was DOING THE RIGHT THING. 
That’s right. When you change lanes early, it makes traffic back up much more quickly. The correct way to merge in this situation is to use the extra lane until it ends and then take turns merging at the front. Like a ZIPPER.  Did I just blow your mind?

[I know that some of you aren’t from Minnesota or even the United States, but I believe that The Zipper Merge could transmogrify this planet’s hectic roadways into peaceful zippy oases.]
And so I have adopted this new method of merging and let me tell you: It’s liberating. I wish I could zipper merge all the time. I want to shout it from the rooftops. Just think of all the time I’m saving while legally cruising along that empty, ending lane. 
But sometimes the world does not accept revolutionaries such as myself, which brings me to my most recent Road Retort:

The Broken Zipper

This is the guy that doesn’t allow you to merge because he thinks your Zipper Merging is really just a glorified budge. This is the conversation that usually goes on between my eyes and his...

HIM: Oh no you don’t! 

ME: But sir, please–

HIM: No! You have to suffer like the rest of us!

ME: But it’s totally legal–

HIM: This is AMERICA. Don’t think you can get special treatment.

ME: That’s not what I’m trying to do!

HIM: Kids these days are so entitled.

ME: No, I’m doing this correc–

HIM: When I was young we didn’t even have merge lanes. Lanes just ended with brick walls. It was move it or lose it 
back then. Literally

ME: Well now it’s different, sir. We even have signs warning us three-fourths of a mile beforehand.

HIM: You kids and your technology...

ME: Technology, like a road gradually getting thinner?

HIM: ...and your iPods and cellular phones and Tamagachis. It’s all too much for me.

ME: Yes, but zippers. You understand zippers, right?

HIM: Nope. All my clothes are tied together with hair and spit. 

ME: Okay, just go ahead. The next person will let me in. 


And The Broken Zipper drives off convinced that justice was served.
Even though you’re hurt temporarily, my dear Zipper Merger, let not your heart be troubled for long. For you know that the Zipper Merge is the correct way, the true way, and if everyone subscribed to this way of life, we would live in peace and harmony. 
I’ve created some signs that could help spread the word. I expect to see these on t-shirts and billboards for years to come. 

Friday, January 20, 2012

An Uncelebrated Popcorn Day

Guys, I did it again. National Popcorn Day was yesterday. 

[You remember our cast of characters from last year, don't you? They're just as disappointed.]

Yes, January 19th, the day that should have been spent popping popcorn and blissfully throwing it at unsuspecting passerby, the day that should have been filled with a little extra pizazz and a lot of extra salt, NATIONAL POPCORN DAY was once again completely ignored by me, its biggest fan. I spent the day doing stupid non-celebratory things like grocery shopping and working and making Tater Tot Hotdish.

I apologize to all my readers, I apologize to this country, but most of all, I apologize to myself because I’m a narcissist. 

I want to go into my cupboards and apologize to the four mini-bags of popcorn in there, but I CAN’T EVEN LOOK THEM IN THE EYE RIGHT NOW.
I feel the need to apologize to people on the street for not attacking them with popcorn yesterday, BUT THEY WON’T UNDERSTAND. 
I’ve already created three alarms on my computer for January 19th 2013, BUT MOST LIKELY THE WORLD WILL END BY THEN AND I’LL NEVER GET TO CELEBRATE MY BLOG’S NAMESAKE. 

This must not happen again. Next year, on January 19th, which is a Saturday so you should all be available (even you Canadian ones), we will have a party big enough to cover all the sins and transgressions of Popcorn Days Past. I will dress up as a giant popcorn kernel and tackle people in downtown Minneapolis. My hipster artist friends and I will create a whimsical stop-motion video of the life of a man who loves popcorn and rides a giraffe-sized bicycle around searching for it. I will record the official Popcorn Day song, which will be sold on iTunes for all my Faithful Follower(s) and their friend(s) to purchase and wake up to in the morning. And all will be right with the world. Next year, baby. 
In the meantime, go back to the very first post this blog ever had and have a mini-celebration of the new holiday I just created for people like me:

See you next year at the party.