Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Rare Band

I am becoming increasingly interested in people’s perception of music. (Please note the double alliteration in that sentence. It’s quite quality.) All of it can be summed up into an obsession that today’s music lovers tirelessly pursue.

And this, readers, is the concept of The Rare Band.

Yes, The Rare Band. A band that only you have heard of, that you listen to endlessly on your iPod, and tell people about, knowing that the interaction will be something like this…

And soon you’re the cool kid on the block. People ask you how you’ve seen them three times live, and you reply...

YOU: Well, they’re pretty rare, so most of the time they were in secret basements of people that give these secret shows of only rare bands.

THEM: WOW! How cool! So are they like “indie” or something?

YOU: Indie? What? No, this band LAUGHS at Indie rockers. You clearly don’t understand the concept of The Rare Band.

THEM: Oh haha. I guess I have a lot to learn. So how can I see them? Can I go online to look them up?

YOU: HA! Online? What are they, Nickelback or something? No, you can’t go online to find these guys. They’re much more elusive. The only reason I could see this band is because I have connections. I know a guy who knows a guy who works with another guy who told me what to do. So on a certain rainy night I wore the correct color of Converse shoes as I walked past a the correct streetlight downtown and was given a password written in Braille that I had to translate into Chinese, then French, then English so I could read it backwards to they guy at the door while making the correct number of clicks and whistles with my mouth, just so I could see this rare band. They were awesome.

THEM: That’s totally rad. How many people were there?

YOU: Only a few. Super small secret venue. So awesome.

THEM: Wow. I wish I knew rare bands.

And you become even cooler.

But you must be careful, cool kid. You tell too many people about this band, and soon they’ll be showing up on…dare I say it? 

[May we take a quick second to talk about how this is not that far off from a majority of actual radio station logos? And it took me five minutes. On PowerPoint. Anyway...]

How dare I even joke about such a horrible thing! To imagine that your band, your beloved rare band who no one but you has ever heard, is now being played as background music in drab offices across the country, is simply painful. This formally rare band now has millions of fans from all over the place, instead of just you and a few others who were in the know. Humiliating! Infuriating! The only possible reaction that will save your dignity is this…

You knew them before they were big. It wasn’t you who changed, it’s them. So now you’re off to find an even rarer band, one who is so rare only you know about them.

The truth is, however, that the idea of The Rare Band is a complete fallacy. A good band will be noticed and shared and ultimately become successful. No band made up of committed people who have all given up their jobs to pursue their dream wants to be seen by only a few people. So even if a band is "rare" for awhile, it won't stay that way if it's any good.

(Allow me to also throw in that I'm not saying that all good bands will end up on mainstream radio. If I said that, I would also have to say that Britney Spears is a good artist. Absolutely not. No no no no no no no. No way in hell. Nope. Never. But good bands will be noticed. That's all I'm saying. Britney Spears doesn't count as an actual artist.)

So let’s give up this “rare band” idea, people. It's a waste of time. To help with this, I’ve created some message t-shirts as a sort of therapy. (I may or may not have gotten carried away once I discovered Zazzle offers models to help you see what your t-shirt will look like.)

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Things I won’t believe exist until I see them in real life...

 1. The Red Wood Forest 
Trees you can drive through? Get real. It’s way too easy to forge...

[It's about as easy to forge as the moon landing. However I do not doubt the moon landing; that’s just un-American.]

2. Narwhals.   
Unicorn whales? Yeah right. Yeah f***ing right. 

 [This may have a little bit to do with the fact that I thought they were mythical creatures until about a year ago.]

3. Possums.  
Seeing them squashed on the side of the road does NOT mean they exist. 

 [This was drawn after looking up "possum" on Google and drawing it from a thumbnail. I almost threw it away. But then I was reminded of the last time I showed a rejected picture and it was hilarious. So enjoy my drawing of a possum that reminds me of every animal drawing by every Yu Gi Oh! and WWF-loving a**hole kid I went to elementary school with. Don't ask me how I made that connection.]

4. Koala Bears: 
Prove it.

5. Santa Claus: 
I would be so pumped if it just turned out that he existed and the only reason adults don’t receive presents is because they just don’t...

6. Oceans:
(This used to be on the list, but was taken off because of pretty convincing evidence shown to me while in Florida a few years ago.)

7. Platypuses:  
Duck-otters? It’s just not possible. I deny their existence on principle.
 [Couldn't have said it better myself, you stupid, fake animal.]

This concludes "Things I won't believe exist until I see them in real life."

Thank you, thank you.

On a similar note:

A word I will never say because I’ll never be exactly sure how to pronounce it:


I’ve even looked it up, and heard the pronunciation, and I’m here to say it’s still not going to happen. Same with Bourgeoisie.