Someday I Will Have a Need for Each of These (Whoa! Except Item #2. That Was a Close One!)

Every morning, since that day in June when I realized that The Hallmark Channel was playing it from 9am-noon, I’ve watched I Love Lucy with my breakfast.

I love this show. However, I’ve found that the commercials don’t necessarily apply to me. This is The Hallmark Channel, people. In the morning. Let’s be honest: a vast majority of the viewers at this time are bored, retired folks who switch there during the commercial breaks of The Price is Right, or stay-at-home parents who do the same thing. And Hallmark knows it. So, just in case these people flip on channel 46 and catch a commercial, they want to appeal to them. The commercial blocks between I Love Lucy scenes are a rotation of four ads:

(First: A special thanks to Christie for helping take all jokes too far.) 

1. The Snuggie + The Macarena = The Snuggarena.

 

Somehow, in someone’s mind, this was cool / okay / a good advertising idea. The bile in the back of my throat tells me otherwise.

I’m not purchasing a Snuggie until they add mittens to the ends of the sleeves. OOH! I should copyright that!

2. The Cami Secret

The miracle lie about what you’re wearing underneath your low-cut shirt.

And now…

The Probable Dialogue Between Two Singles Who Met at a Bar and Have Moved On To One of Their Apartments to get Steamy.

[He takes off her low-cut shirt to reveal a bra with a lacy napkinlike device attached to it.]

Him: Uh, what is that? Is it a lacy napkin to keep you clean while you eat spaghetti half-naked?

Her: No, silly! It’s my Cami Secret. I just hook it on to my bra to make it look like I’m wearing a camisole underneath. The ladies in the commercial reminded me of how horrible it is to deal with two shirts at the same time—all that pulling and adjusting! 

Him: Oh. Okay. I guess that’s okay.

Her: Oh, and this is my Breasts Secret. I don’t have any. I don’t have a disease or anything; they’re just completely and literally nonexistent.

Him: What does that mean? Oh, whatever. Okay.

Her:  Have you seen my Female Genitalia Secret? I’m actually a guy.

Him: Wha—

Her: And have you seen my Leg Secret? I’m an amputee!

This is the degree of manipulation that can come from a simple purchase of the Cami Secret. Give Satan an inch and he will be your ruler.

3. HDIS: Home Delivery Incontinence Supplies

This commercial shows an older woman embarrassed about buying Depends. She goes through a store self-consciously and bashfully goes to the check-out counter.

But here comes HDIS to save the day! Some old celebrity comes on screen and says something to the affect of “Are you tired of buying all of your grown-up diapers in public? Well, at HDIS, you can order all of it online and we’ll send it to you in discreet packaging, so no one will know!”

In the next scene a postman comes to the door of the old lady’s house and hands her a giant, unmarked box. She’s all, “Huh? What’s this?” but then realizes what it is and flashes a knowing smile to the camera.

4. Colonial Penn Life Insurance

Actual dialogue from the commercial:

It went something like that, anyway.  Nothing says “get life insurance” like explosions and murderous neighbors.