Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Eating Crap Causes Crappy Dreams.

My stomach is not what it used to be. In high school, one of my favorite snacks ever was to take the leftover taco fixings—excluding the vegetables—from  my family’s Taco Night, mix it all together, and microwave it.

Seasoned hamburger, taco sauce, cheese, and sometimes ranch dressing to really rake in the ol’ calories. A minute in the microwave later, and I would eat this brown slop with Nacho Cheesier Doritos.

It was my favorite.

Last evening my family had tacos. Around eleven o’clock, I found myself hungry for a little snack. I know! I thought, I should make my signature Taco Slop! 

So I did.

I was full and a little grossed out halfway through, but I still had so much left, so I forced it down.

Bad decision. A half-hour later, I felt like a jar of bacon grease.

I better at least get a good dream from this food, thought I. 

I didn’t, really. Nothing epic like Just a Flying Frog in Paris, or Groovin’ Vatican Style, anyway. The dream I had took place in Europe, where I was apparently traveling with my family.  I had pissed them all off by losing all of my train tickets that they had purchased ahead of time.

There was no way that we were going to buy new tickets, so I had to sneak on every train by lying to the conductors or creating some sort of zany diversion. One conductor, though, I couldn’t get past. This lady caught me red handed and wouldn’t let me on the train.

Me: But I bought a ticket! I just lost it.
Her: Thass juss too bad.
Me: But please, ma’am! My family’s going on without me!
Her: No way. No oness getting on the train wizzout a teekit.
Me: Can I work for it? Is there anything I can do?
Her: Vell, you could verk in the daycare car and tick care of the keeds.
Me: Okay. No problem. I can do that.

So the multi-accented conductor let me on a train and led me to a stinky, crowded train car full of little kids. I was just happy to be on the train.

But wait. There was something fishy going on here. And then it dawned on me. All the kids looked exactly the same! They were all identical, miniature versions of the actor that plays Seamus Finnigan in the Harry Potter movies! (He’s the ugliest character in the whole cast, even worse than the one who plays Mr. Filch. This is probably because he looks like one of my childhood friends who was always dirty and confessed that What if God Was One of Us? by Joan Osborne was his favorite song. I mean, who in their right minds would like that song? He probably grew up to like Nickleback too. Anyway...) Oh no!

[And yes, some of the kids were wearing earmuffs, okay?]

Then, simultaneously, every one of the Seamus Finnigans crapped themselves.

And then I woke up. It was obviously my stomach getting back at my brain for deciding to shovel that crap down my throat.


  1. Hahahahahah this dream is really funny even if it isn't some epic tale! Maybe I just think that because your "bad" dreams are still cooler than my good dreams.

    Still, I will admit that snack sounds gross. MAYBE okay in small amounts, but something you kind of have to stop eating once you feel full! Just like State Fair cheese curds. Those will kill you.

    I used to think the guy who played Ron was the ugliest. He has been improving as he grows up, but you must admit he is a homely fellow.

  2. Note: Your Recent Comments box has an error on my screen.

  3. WHAT?!? You LOST our train tickets!!!!! No wonder we were ticked off at you! Okay, I have a question which you probably can't answer because it was a dream after all....but if you lost ALL of our tickets how come you were the only one sneaking on the train? Did we buy more tickets for us, but not you? What JERKS we are! But then again, you ARE the guy that lost our tickets. STill....I don't think we'd leave you stranded in Europe....

  4. Actually, I meant I lost all of MY train tickets. You guys were fine. :)

    Ron is the ugliest personality in the movies. He sucks! Nothing like the Ron from the books. But Finnigan is just plain ugly.