Thursday, August 19, 2010

Story Time

Okay, everyone gather around and sit cross-legged in a semi-circle on the floor. I have a story for you. It’s called, Why You Shouldn’t Ride Your Bike When There Are Jerks Around.  It’s a cautionary tale.

"Once upon a time, an innocent and ravishingly good-looking twenty-year-old student named Brian was riding his bike through the quaint and safe university of Bethel. The October breeze hinted that this would be one of his last rides before winter. It was late, but he had reflectors on his bike and he was wearing bright colors, so he had nothing to worry about. He was happy.

[The purple things could be leaves or stars.  I'll let you decide based on what makes you more comfortable.]

“What a great time to ride a bike,” He said to himself. “Not too warm, not too cold—homework can wait; it’s a beautiful night.”

Brian sensed headlights behind him, so he made sure to stay on the shoulder. As the vehicle approached behind him, it slowed to reveal a Bethel hunk driving a crotch rocket, with a blonde girl who looked remarkably like a hybrid of a Barbie and the Olsen Twins before they got all bony and gross. He recognized her because they were in the same Christian Theology class.

[The Perfect Couple.]

When he noticed that they were slowing down next to him, Brian waved at the couple.

The blondie on the back yelled, “Nice bike!” And they sped off laughing.

The end."

And this wasn’t a dream, my friends. This actually happened. Biking along, minding my own business, and I was transported into some strange, college version of Mean Girls.

For the remainder of my ride home, I came up with a bunch of comebacks I should have said, but couldn’t think of fast enough. Here are some of them:

“Oh yeah? Well, at least I don’t have to wear a helmet, soft-head!” (Some would disagree about this.)

“Oh yeah? Have you checked your gas tank in a while? I would check mine, but I DON’T HAVE TO BECAUSE IT’S A BIKE AND IT’S POWERED BY MY ECO-FRIENDLY LEGS.”

“Oh yeah? Your mom has a nice bike.”

“Oh yeah? I may get to my destination later than you, but at least I get to enjoy the scenery!” (That never would have worked.)

“Oh yeah? I may not have the money to afford fancy toys like that, but at least I have my creativity and smarts and a really cool blog!”  (This is where all my followers put their fists in the air and say, “YEAH!”)

“Oh yeah? I may not be as aesthetically pleasing as you two, but at least people don’t vainly strive to be me because of how I look!” 

My comebacks became much more political, cynical, and bethel- and society-hating after that. Needless to say, it took me awhile to come down from that encounter.

Don’t listen to the satanic Barbie, kids. Bicycles are cool. 


  1. A nice retelling of a timeless classic. I approve.

    Glad you didn't use any of those comebacks though.

    ... No offense.

  2. p.s. You're on my dashboard again!