Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Road Retorts Re-Revisited

What I’m about to share with you has, without a doubt, completely revolutionized the way I see traffic and roads and life forever and ever and ever. 

It’s like that day when I first discovered that mittens are better than gloves for the same reason sleeping bags are better than individual padded bags for each one of your limbs. 
Or it’s like when Christopher Columbus went on a holiday to go see India but instead found a humongous uninhabited island that may or may not have already been inhabited and that meant REAL ESTATE, BABY. 
Or it’s like that time when you first purchased an iPod and you knew it would totally revolutionize the way you exercise, except this time you won’t end up being disappointed in a few months when you realize you never used it and you haven’t worked out at all, but you couldn’t even if you wanted to because your earbuds are lost and the cover is scratched and the battery won’t charge all the way anymore.  
[It’s like that.]
This is crazy cool, so buckle your seat belts. 

This phenomenon is called The Zipper Merge. 
How many times have you been in traffic and you see that the lane you’re in is ending, so you immediately go into the next lane, and then some douchecopter goes speeding past you in the ending lane, and gets a much better spot a half mile ahead? Don’t you just want to punch that guy? 
Well, you’re going to feel pretty foolish for wanting to punch such a genius, because that douchecopter was DOING THE RIGHT THING. 
That’s right. When you change lanes early, it makes traffic back up much more quickly. The correct way to merge in this situation is to use the extra lane until it ends and then take turns merging at the front. Like a ZIPPER.  Did I just blow your mind?

[I know that some of you aren’t from Minnesota or even the United States, but I believe that The Zipper Merge could transmogrify this planet’s hectic roadways into peaceful zippy oases.]
And so I have adopted this new method of merging and let me tell you: It’s liberating. I wish I could zipper merge all the time. I want to shout it from the rooftops. Just think of all the time I’m saving while legally cruising along that empty, ending lane. 
But sometimes the world does not accept revolutionaries such as myself, which brings me to my most recent Road Retort:

The Broken Zipper

This is the guy that doesn’t allow you to merge because he thinks your Zipper Merging is really just a glorified budge. This is the conversation that usually goes on between my eyes and his...

HIM: Oh no you don’t! 

ME: But sir, please–

HIM: No! You have to suffer like the rest of us!

ME: But it’s totally legal–

HIM: This is AMERICA. Don’t think you can get special treatment.

ME: That’s not what I’m trying to do!

HIM: Kids these days are so entitled.

ME: No, I’m doing this correc–

HIM: When I was young we didn’t even have merge lanes. Lanes just ended with brick walls. It was move it or lose it 
back then. Literally

ME: Well now it’s different, sir. We even have signs warning us three-fourths of a mile beforehand.

HIM: You kids and your technology...

ME: Technology, like a road gradually getting thinner?

HIM: ...and your iPods and cellular phones and Tamagachis. It’s all too much for me.

ME: Yes, but zippers. You understand zippers, right?

HIM: Nope. All my clothes are tied together with hair and spit. 

ME: Okay, just go ahead. The next person will let me in. 


And The Broken Zipper drives off convinced that justice was served.
Even though you’re hurt temporarily, my dear Zipper Merger, let not your heart be troubled for long. For you know that the Zipper Merge is the correct way, the true way, and if everyone subscribed to this way of life, we would live in peace and harmony. 
I’ve created some signs that could help spread the word. I expect to see these on t-shirts and billboards for years to come. 


  1. Love this, I'd definitely buy a shirt! People need to know!

  2. Hilarious! But I really don't think I could do a zipper merge unless this became more accepted, so GET ON IT and get those signs/t-shirts printed!

  3. I have taken crap for being a douchecopter since I was 15, but I knew that something was just wrong about not using a portion of the road that people had spent their own time and labor to create...I knew I was right.

  4. Thank you, Brian for helping spread the word about the importance of zipper merging.

  5. Haha this is great! The signs are a little unclear to outsiders but hilarious in the context of this post.

  6. I just want to start by saying that I wondered why individual padded bags for each one of your limbs wasn't invented yet. I thought maybe I COULD INVENT IT.

    Then I realized it was just a one peice snowsuit.

    Also, I miss my Tamagachi. I never treated it right as a child, but I feel like it's never too late to change your ways.

    I don't think I focused on the right part of your post today...

  7. @Steph: Someday when I'm popular enough to have a shop, the shirts will be available.


    @Adam: HI! It's obviously just your God-ordained wisdom.

    @Amber: You're so welcome. You're the one who opened my eyes to this.

    @Christie: I think they're the clearest signs that ever were.

    @Christine: That's okay.