Road Retorts Re-Revisited

What I’m about to share with you has, without a doubt, completely revolutionized the way I see traffic and roads and life forever and ever and ever. 

It’s like that day when I first discovered that mittens are better than gloves for the same reason sleeping bags are better than individual padded bags for each one of your limbs. 

Or it’s like when Christopher Columbus went on a holiday to go see India but instead found a humongous uninhabited island that may or may not have already been inhabited and that meant REAL ESTATE, BABY. 

Or it’s like that time when you first purchased an iPod and you knew it would totally revolutionize the way you exercise, except this time you won’t end up being disappointed in a few months when you realize you never used it and you haven’t worked out at all, but you couldn’t even if you wanted to because your earbuds are lost and the cover is scratched and the battery won’t charge all the way anymore.  

[It’s like that.]

This is crazy cool, so buckle your seat belts. 

This phenomenon is called The Zipper Merge. 

How many times have you been in traffic and you see that the lane you’re in is ending, so you immediately go into the next lane, and then some douchecopter goes speeding past you in the ending lane, and gets a much better spot a half mile ahead? Don’t you just want to punch that guy? 

Well, you’re going to feel pretty foolish for wanting to punch such a genius, because that douchecopter was DOING THE RIGHT THING. 

That’s right. When you change lanes early, it makes traffic back up much more quickly. The correct way to merge in this situation is to use the extra lane until it ends and then take turns merging at the front. Like a ZIPPER.  Did I just blow your mind?

Don’t believe me? Watch the official MN DOT video.

[I know that some of you aren’t from Minnesota or even the United States, but I believe that The Zipper Merge could transmogrify this planet’s hectic roadways into peaceful zippy oases.]

And so I have adopted this new method of merging and let me tell you: It’s liberating. I wish I could zipper merge all the time. I want to shout it from the rooftops. Just think of all the time I’m saving while legally cruising along that empty, ending lane. 

But sometimes the world does not accept revolutionaries such as myself, which brings me to my most recent Road Retort:

The Broken Zipper

This is the guy that doesn’t allow you to merge because he thinks your Zipper Merging is really just a glorified budge. This is the conversation that usually goes on between my eyes and his...

HIM: Oh no you don’t! 

ME: But sir, please–

HIM: No! You have to suffer like the rest of us!

ME: But it’s totally legal–

HIM: This is AMERICA. Don’t think you can get special treatment.

ME: That’s not what I’m trying to do!

HIM: Kids these days are so entitled.

ME: No, I’m doing this correc–

HIM: When I was young we didn’t even have merge lanes. Lanes just ended with brick walls. It was move it or lose it 

back then. Literally

ME: Well now it’s different, sir. We even have signs warning us three-fourths of a mile beforehand.

HIM: You kids and your technology...

ME: Technology, like a road gradually getting thinner?

HIM: ...and your iPods and cellular phones and Tamagachis. It’s all too much for me.

ME: Yes, but zippers. You understand zippers, right?

HIM: Nope. All my clothes are tied together with hair and spit. 

ME: Okay, just go ahead. The next person will let me in. 

HIM: GOD BLESS AMERICA.

And The Broken Zipper drives off convinced that justice was served.

Even though you’re hurt temporarily, my dear Zipper Merger, let not your heart be troubled for long. For you know that the Zipper Merge is the correct way, the true way, and if everyone subscribed to this way of life, we would live in peace and harmony. 

I’ve created some signs that could help spread the word. I expect to see these on t-shirts and billboards for years to come. 

Road Retorts Revisited

Last August, I wrote this post analyzing the intensities of different kinds of road retorts. I introduced the subject by using this picture, explaining how I wish that my car could do this, because it would make me feel a lot better when I do something stupid on the road…

[You'll see later in this post that my car-drawing skills have not improved much since August.]

According to my Popular Post Counter, Three Levels of Road Retorts is my most popular post. Must be, because someone may have seen it. In October, two months after I posted, I noticed that one of my favorite bloggers of all time, The Oatmeal, posted a comic called This is What My Car Needs, and included this picture…

Shockingly similar, right? The red letters, the message...Same, same.

This is how starved for attention and recognition I am, though: I don’t care if he took my idea, which is very unlikely anyway. What I’m interested in is that there is a teeny-weenie, itsy-bitsy, miniscule chance that The Oatmeal, who has millions of readers, maybe perhaps kinda glanced at my humble little 34-follower blog and said, “Hey, that’s funny. I could use this. And nobody knows what the hell Popcorn Day is, so I’m fine.” Slim chance, but what if, right?

Anyway. Mr. Oatmeal, if you’re (impossibly) reading this, you’re off the hook this time because I’m too enamored by your fame.

And while we’re kind of on the subject of road retorts, I’d like to add one to the list. This would go between “The Bird” and “The Snarl.”

1½. The Honk.

So overused that I actually forgot it the first time, The Honk is one of the most passive-aggressive of the Road Retorts. The car horn was initially meant to be used as a warning to people and cars that one’s vehicle was approaching. It has now been entirely stripped of that meaning. Even if the horn is actually used as a warning, it usually ends up like this…

[Cars just aren't my area of expertise, I guess.]

But this is not necessarily what I’m talking about. The Honk is actually when the horn is used slightly after someone has done something stupid, like cut them off or change lanes without signaling. And this is how it turns out…

[Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, it's...MAN DRIVING WITH A BLUE HAT ON!]

And then the original offender’s heart starts beating flusteredly because he thinks that honk was a warning of some dangerous approaching vehicle. When he realizes it was merely a “F*** YOU,” he then becomes just as upset as the other guy, and has the choice of three other types of road retorts. Cue this song...

[

[Or maybe just the chorus...it's supposed to kind of be about an endless cycle, but maybe this song wasn't a good choice. "The Circle of Life," maybe? Who cares.]

The Three Levels of Road Retorts

Let’s say you cut someone off while driving. You’re a nice person and a good driver, but you cut someone off for some stupid, accidental reason. With everything in you, you wish that there existed some sort of message-relaying device on your rear window that flashed, “I’m sorry!” or “My bad!” or “I’m really late for work and I stupidly cut in front of you. I apologize.”

But you can’t. That would be distracting for the other drivers. It may become a cool fad for a while, but it would just end up outlawed…like gangsta tinted windows or blue headlights.

What you’re left with, I’m afraid, is a tremendous feeling of guilt for what you’ve done and no way to reconcile with the person behind you. You look into your rearview mirror to gauge their reaction to your sin. If this person is pissed, he or she will choose one of three reactions, all varying in intensity and emotion. I will list them in order of ferocity, from least to greatest.

1. The Bird

This one is standard. So standard, in fact, that it has lost all its zing and panache and ends up working against the person giving it.

The person who receives the bird will inevitably think, “Oh, this guy’s just a run-of-the-mill cynical curmudgeon. He didn’t deserve to be cut off, but he didn’t really deserve not to be cut off either.”

2. The Snarl

I’ve seen this one work rather effectively in a small number of situations. The point is to make sure that the person sees that you’re pissed. Or, perhaps, intimidate them.

[Also, according to the picture above, you must drive a car that looks like a gremlin.]

Now here’s the kicker: its effectiveness is in its presentation. Speeding up next to the person and making a nasty face is a far too attention-deprived demeanor. Bending your head out the window to catch the person’s eye may also make someone think that either you’re an a-hole or wish you were an a-hole. This decreases the validity of The Snarl.

3. The [Prolonged Sigh]

This is by far the most blistering reaction. The hurt that is being expressed is far more than you could even imagine. It makes you think, How could I have done that to this poor person? Who do I think I am? Why do I even drive? How could I be so cruel? The Road Retort that brought about these questions is this:

This person is legitimately hurt. Not angry, hurt. He probably just got unjustly fired from his job, dumped by his girlfriend because he was unjustly fired from his job, and was late for his grandma’s funeral. You see, he wasn’t very close to his parents and his grandma was the only parent-figure he had in the whole world, but once he started seeing his girlfriend he kind of let Grandma go to the wayside and she DIED without him being able to set things right, and now what does he have? Nothing, Brian. Nothing.  

As soon as possible I am going to invent Rear Window Message Machines.