Thursday, October 6, 2011

This post is a fair warning to anyone who shares a living space with me

Remember when I wrote this post boasting about how I can, with the help of a few health supplements and some good old-fashioned chutzpa, reduce the duration of the common cold to only about two days? I still believe that if everyone took my anti-cold artillery list to heart, they would feel the same results. 
But here’s the deal, friends. Sometimes the common cold is tricky and will disguise its little bastard self as a really bad hangover. You’ll think that you’re merely hurting, and with some water and starchy foods, you’ll be fine in a matter of hours. But then you aren’t fine. The headache’s gone, but you find yourself one full day into the nasty arms of a gargantuan cold–and of course that means one full day behind in your usual battle plans and it’s virtually impossible to get back on the offensive. It’s kind of like, in Calvin & Hobbes, when Spaceman Spiff thinks he had parked his spacecraft on a strange planet but it’s...well here:

This happened to me and I’m now in my fourth day. The very reason I take such an aggressive stance against colds in the first place is because I’m so horribly pathetic when I’m ill. Like unnecessarily and inconsolably depressed. My social skills vanish entirely, and I just become insecure and mope around until it’s gone. 

One thing that may interest you, however, is that I occasionally sleepwalk when I’m sick. I think it has to do with the fact that I’m not sleeping well in the first place, and I forget whether I’m conscious or not. Last night my uncle (who I’m living with for the time being)  got to see this in full colors.  It was one in the morning and he was heading to bed, in the dark.
ME: [Throwing open the door] Chris!
CHRIS: Oh, hi Brian. I thought you were asleep.
ME: I finished my game! 
CHRIS: What game?
ME: Das sarros. 
CHRIS: Hang on. [turns on the hall light to see his crazy-eyed nephew beaming at him] 

CHRIS: You’re doing what now?
ME: Das. Das sarros.
CHRIS: Is that Spanish or German?
ME: It’s with my computer and ... It’s like... [mumble]
CHRIS: Okay...
ME: Here, I’ll do it again. [I run over in the darkness of my room, smack the top my old computer that’s sitting on a bookshelf, and turn back to him, smiling triumphantly.] I did it! 
CHRIS: Good job, Brian. Go back to bed.
ME: ‘kay. 
And I went back to bed. The strange thing is, I don’t think this qualifies as sleepwalking because I remember the whole thing. It’s just that I was talking about my dream world and the more I woke up, the more that world disappeared. 
You guys, this is such a freaking weird and hilarious aspect of my life that it simultaneously amuses and concerns me. And I’m totally okay with that. 


  1. Heh heh. I am enjoying the picture of you wide-eyed, staring at Chris.

    But hey, you were winning the game after all, since you had two computers. :)

  2. Oh it's so nice that Chris was able to experience your sleep walking! I bet he got quite the chuckle out of it! :-)

  3. I was TOTES winning that game!

    Chris enjoyed the CRAP out of it.

  4. Hey! I thought you said you were blogging the other day... I'm waiting on a new post :).

  5. I also tend to sleepwalk. I also tend to sleep-strip. I hope you don't do that. Your uncle probably wouldn't appreciate it.

    When I tell people my funny sleepwalking/sleep stripping stories, I get these sorts of responses:

  6. I had H1N1 a few years ago and I was delirious with a 104* fever. I woke my mom up talking and she asked me who I was talking to at which time I replied, annoyed, "The MAN by the DOOR." And right after I said it I realized there was no man there and now I had no idea what was going on.

  7. Brian, i know this is a year late, but im catching up on old posts.

    and just cuz I know it will piss you off, you have a typo in the first paragraph.