Three days ago I was attacked by a vicious cold—a snotty, congested, achy, pissed off, tasteless wanker of a cold that tore me limb from limb and made me wish I wasn’t taking eighteen credits. Or any, for that matter. A bed was all I could handle at this point.
Yet I pressed on. I went into battle mode. Behold, my artillery:
Three Cold-Eeze zinc lozenges a day.
Three Airborne tablets a day.
Spicy food (the only thing I could taste)
and salads with broccoli and spinach for lunch and dinner.
Citrus fruit smoothies between meals.
An entire lake (for drinking)
Numerous Puffs Plus with Lotion
And I have annihilated this cold. This cold wishes it were never born. This cold is begging me for mercy, like the Legion demons in the bible beg Jesus. “Oh, please, Brian! Don’t cast me out! Allow me to go into the grazing swine!”
“No,” I reply. “But if you must, you may infect Christie for a short time, but be warned: she has the same weapons that I do.”
“Oh, thank you, merciful Brian!”
This cold is freaking done for.
You wanna know why?
‘Cause Brian ain’t nobody’s bitch.
WHOAAAA. I need your stamina when it comes to colds. When they come attack me, it's pretty much all I can do to wave my little, pathetic white flag. I'm pitiful.
ReplyDeletePUT ON YOUR GAME FACE, LAURA! DON'T TAKE THAT FROM A BUNCH OF WANNABE CELLS!!
ReplyDeleteAwwwww, ya make a mama proud! Drinking lots of fluids...using Puffs PLUS...taking Airborne and Coldeeze...and not being anyone's bitch! :-)
ReplyDeleteI learn from the best.
ReplyDeleteNot to be the pooper of this party, but I believe the title of this entry has incorrect article usage. "The" should be "a" since you conqueror a single instance of a single strain of the common cold, and the common cold mutates too quickly to be defined as a single entity. Still, I am proud to call you my roommate.
ReplyDeleteYou are a pooper.
ReplyDeleteAnd no, I'm am talking about EVERY strain of the common cold, because I am the master. The Coldmaster.