Thursday, October 27, 2011

Butt birth: it’s the new hot rage.

I can’t believe I’m about to post this dream. A few advance apologies are in order: If you’re a girl who once found me attractive but will never be able to get this image out of your head, I’m sorry in advance. If you’re the pastor or another one of my coworkers from church who I just added on Facebook and you thought you’d check out what my blog is all about, I’m sorry in advance. I would even recommend reading some of my older stories first; I usually write about much more wholesome things, like here or here or here. If you're one of my normal readers, or my one Canadian reader, no apologies. We're tight now; I can tell you anything. 
I’ve found that the weirdness of the dreams I have is directly correlated to the unhealthiness of the food I ate the day before. I once tested this with an evil concoction of Doritos and some spicy glop that resulted in a dream I never want to redream
For the following strange and semi-inappropriate beauty of a dream, I had eaten Big Mac Pizza (yes, pizza with all the fixings of a Big Mac), cheesy popcorn, and five or six fun size Twix bars. I don’t usually eat this way, and apparently not only my body but my mind freaked out about it. 

[At least my brain is watching out for me this time, as opposed to THAT OTHER TIME.]

The dream began with me laying on my side on a hospital bed. I wasn’t sure at the time why I was there, but the fact that a doctor and my best friend were in the room with me made me feel a bit better.
DOCTOR: How are you feeling, Brian?
ME: Oh, I’m doing fine. I kind of feel like I have to go to the bathroom tho–WHOAA!!
Suddenly something humongous shot out of my butt. It didn’t hurt, but I knew it was huge. What is going on? I wondered, still not sure why I was there in the first place. And then I heard it: a baby crying. Of course. I was the surrogate father of one of my best friend’s twins, and his girlfriend was in the other room going through excruciating normal birth with the other one. I was happy that birthing a baby through my butt didn’t hurt as much. 

DOCTOR: So, do you want to cut the cord?
ME:, that’s too weird. I don’t even want to think about it.
DOCTOR: Are you sure? A lot of new fathers find it to be a special moment. 
ME: Gross. That’s just not going to happen. I’m not going to cut my butt cord.
DOCTOR: Really? It won’t hurt...
ME: Couldn’t you just do it? You’re the doctor, so you should be okay with this kind of thing.
DOCTOR: No, you should do it. It’s your butt.
ME: But I don’t want to. Seriously, the baby’s not even really mine. Just cut the butt cord so I can stop thinking about it existing down there. It makes me all twitchy.
DOCTOR: Trust me, I wish it didn’t exist either. Here’s the scissors. Cut your butt cord and we can all go home. 
ME: My GOD why do you have to be such a baby about this? You could get a better angle anyway. You’re getting paid to cut my butt cord; guess how much I’m getting paid to poop out a baby? NOTHING. I’m doing it out of the kindness of my butt heart. JUST CUT THE DAMN BUTT CORD SO I CAN PUT SOME PANTS ON. 
And so he did. I didn’t appreciate the grimace on his face or the way he only used two of his fingers to use the scissors, and stretched out the other fingers as if they themselves were avoiding the task as well. 

At this point the dream fast-forwarded a few months and I was carrying the baby in my arms, the one I had birthed, and it was talking to me in full sentences. It would only do this to me, because he and I had a special bond that can only come from a butt birth. 
And then I woke up. 
Now on to less disgusting things.


  1. um. wow. I myself have had a fair amount of strange birth dreams, but butt birth Probably a lot more painful than you dreamed. :)

  2. Probably. BUT MAYBE NOT. Who really knows?

  3. was this one of justine's babes?

  4. Oh. My. Goodness. The things that come out of your brain! (And butt!)


    I think you should stop eating healthy more often, just so you can entertain us with your weird dreams!

  5. @Chris. No, but that would have made it so much better! But Justine would have been all "YOU CAN'T HAVE MA BABES BISH."

    @Mom: Glad you liked it. I'm not sure I'm ready to sacrifice my body for my blog. Maybe once I start making money off it. I had nachos tonight for dinner. We'll see what happens.

  6. I was trying to figure out which part of this was wrongest, but really, it's a tie. Between every line of the story.

    I wonder if this ever happens in real life. Could be why hospital gowns are open in back. Never know when a baby is going to pop out.

    Thanks for clearing that up, I'm going to go drinking now.

  7. You may have more than one Canadian reader. It's altogether possible. Some Canadians even live in the U.S. of A.. But thanks for not including us in "normal." ;)

    BTW, sharing childbirth stories is a measurement of intimacy and friendship among women, so I guess this means we're all your besties and we can go shoe-shopping together, right?

  8. BRIAN, I told you you had to take a picture of your butt if you were going to share this story!

    Just kidding. It was very funny and modest.
    I love that the baby could only talk to you. And the part about the scissors. Hahahahah.

  9. Holy shit. I think I am in love. Again. If I wasn't with Hick Boy, I would marry your subconscious. Which kinda sounds like rape... Awkward.

    You just won yourself another Canadian!

  10. @Wynn Anne: Of course you're not normal; you're a special guest who should be given a VIP spot on my blog.

    @Christie: A picture of my butt would ruin the entire internet. Because it would be so beautiful.

    @Christine: HELLO! WELCOME! THANKS FOR COMING! (I get a little over-excited when I have a new reader. Especially a CANADIAN one. Time for some happiness.) I'll have to check with my girlfriend Christie (the woman who commented before you) to see if she'd be alright you married my subconscious. I'll let you know. Off to go read your blog...

  11. Thank you for not sharing a picture of your butt. Some things are best left to the imagination.

  12. THANK YOU, EH. (A real AMERICAN reading my blog, golly!)

    Don't worry, we'll have a subconscious prenup so you get to keep all of your dreams in the case of a subconscious divorce.

    Nevermind, I just asked Hick Boy and he has only agreed to subconsious affairs, and not marriages. So I'll have to cancel the commitment.

  13. Two things. First, it can happen: I took that image from a pdf of the 1896 version Anomalies and Curiosities of Medicine. Yay for med school knowledge.

    Second, I think you'll appreciated Don Hertzfeldt's animation that is a variation on this theme:

  14. Billy, what an awesome comment. First of all, HOLY CRAP, it's happened! I can't even imagine that. And second, I love Don Hertzfeldt. I hope my mom doesn't come back and watch that video. "WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED IN COLLEGE???" She'll ask.