Friday, April 1, 2011

In which I pepper a dream I had about Jenna Fischer with lyrics to probably the worst—but also somehow loved—song of our generation

 The other night I dreamed that I was in Disney World, which is good enough for a run-of-the-mill pleasant dream, right? I would have been very satisfied by that alone, thank you very much.

But it got better.

I shall tell you about it. And Anna Nalick will help, because I feel as though her insights shown through metaphors speak deeply to this story.

[You can sense sarcasm even though it’s typed, right? What I meant to say is that Anna Nalick’s Just Breathe (2am) song sucks giant ocelot balls and should only be sung by 11-year-old girls at their school’s talent show.]

Anway. So I was in Disney world, and it was just my dad and I. The moment we walked through the gates and into the park, my Dad grabbed a Mickey Mouse balloon and ran off giggling.

That didn’t really faze me. Plus, I don’t need a chaperone for Disney World; what am I, five? So I went off on my own to go Disney World the crap out of myself.  

At that point, my brain fast-forwarded and brought me to the end of the day, when I was sitting on a bench and eating a Premium Bar

Just then Jenna Fischer (yes, Pam Beesly Jenna Fischer, on whom I’ve been crushing since season one of The Office, and who has been in my dreams before) walked up to me. I remember what she was wearing like it was yesterday: a mint-green polo and knee-length safari shorts. Sexy. 


JENNA: Hey there, how’s it going?

ME: Oh, uh, hi, Jenna Fischer! It’s going well!

JENNA: “It’s going well.” You know what, it’s so nice to hear someone use correct grammar when I ask them that. The people I work with here are just all, “I’m doing good,” “I feel good.” …Ugh it’s so annoying!

ME: Wait, do you work at Disney World?

JENNA: Yeah! When I’m not working on The Office, I’m here leading the Safari tours. A bunch of us do it. John Krasinski runs the digital simulation rides, and the lady who plays Phyllis works in one of the Scandinavian food restaurants in Epcot. It's great! I don’t know about other people, but I like to say that Disney World is the happiest place on earth.


[It's a little difficult to show how hot she was while trying to draw a mint polo and safari shorts, okay? My drawing skills aren't necessarily honed enough that I can draw those kinds of subtleties with a Sharpie.]

Jenna Fischer and I ended up talking for a long time. And readers, don’t tell anyone, but we totally hit it off. We laughed together, we had the same interests, we talked about our childhoods…IT WAS SO AWESOME.

(Christie was somehow nonexistent in this dream, which is weird, but she can’t be mad because she also had a dream recently where I was nonexistent. So…tit for tat.)

After awhile, I thought to myself, Wanna hold [her], maybe I’ll just sing about it. But then I thought, “Why only sing about it? This is MY dream, I can do what I want!”  So I made to go hold her hand, which was kindly rejected. I wasn’t totally crushed, because our eyes had this conversation:

JENNA’S EYES: Hey, don’t worry, I’ll be totally fine with this on maybe our first date or something. You can’t jump the track; we’re like cars on a cable.

JENNA’S EYES: Just be patient, Brian. I’m into you. 

So I felt all right about it. In the end, we had to say goodbye, but she gave me her digits (that means phone number, Mom). I made sure to put that in the most protected pocket on my backpack. "I guess I'll go find my dad. I hope he still has his balloon," I said.

And then I woke up. Without Jenna Fischer's digits. 

As someone once said,

[Spoiler alert: this means that you’re in the middle of the tunnel.]


  1. I have had so many dreams in which John does not exist, which always troubles my dream last night, my sister and I were prostitutes for the Mexican mafia, and John was nowhere in the picture.

    The song lyrics are very insightful. Poetic, even.

  2. Yeah, most of the time Christie at least exists in my MIND in the dreams, but this one she wasn't even part of my story at all. Weird. I have not yet dreamed of being a prostitute, though.

  3. Thanks for the translation! It is appreciated!

    Awww...sad about Jenna rejected your hand-holding. But c'mon you were five (and apparently had raging hormones already), so it would've been SO not appropriate!

    Too bad that Christie was two would've been cute together at 5 years old. You with your crooked John Wayne smile and Christie with her 5-year-old-I-haven't-figured-out-how-to-smile smile.

    hmmm...can't picture your dad giggling and running with a Micky Mouse balloon.

  4. Hehehe, Mom, I wasn't actually five in the dream. :) I just said, why would I need a chaperone? What am I, five or something?

  5. Dad here. Forget the balloons, I wanna meet Jenna Fischer, too! "Ran off giggling..." hmmm?! Nice cameo in your dream. Your art is fab, Brian.

  6. Okay. That makes me feel better about you NOT being 5 years old and making the moves on Jenna. :-)

  7. That would be weird to dream of myself as a younger person, though. That's never happened before. It would be super interesting, though. :)

  8. Well you just heard me laughing so I think you probably know that this post is hilarious and I want everyone to click on the song lyric links because it makes the post even funnier. Run on!

  9. Thanks for mentioning that. It took probably about ten minutes of research to find out how to do that!