Anyway. I was the worst out of all of them. I knew this (1) because of knowledge of my real-life history with sports, (2) because of my lack of interest in all sports, and (3) because when my team referred to the skill level of our opponents, they said, “Don’t worry, it’s like we’re playing a team of Brians.”
Nonetheless, I was on the team. And given that our opponents had the same skill level and drive as yours truly, my team didn’t take the game very seriously. They did fun between-the-legs dribble moves, and little behind-the-back passes all night long. Well, until the end of the game, when they realized that our opponents had somehow slipped an extra point in there and taken the lead.
So we huddled. The team captain started the conversation:
CAPTAIN: What the heck, dudes? How did they get in the lead?
ANOTHER GUY: Yeah! What the heck?
ANOTHER GUY: The heck is going on here!
ANOTHER GUY: The heck!
ME: This is how I always dreamt it was inside an Athletic Elite huddle.
CAPTAIN: Kid! Not now.
ANOTHER GUY: Yeah kid!
ANOTHER GUY: Kid, knock it off.
ANOTHER GUY: Kid!
ME: This is fantastic.
CAPTAIN: Shut up. Okay, we need a plan to get another point in a few seconds. The problem is, they’re all going to be trying really hard to block all of our good players. This is why I think we should give the ball to Brian. Like a diversion!
ANOTHER GUY: Yeah, a diversion!
ANOTHER GUY: Diversions are sweet.
ANOTHER GUY: Diversion!
ME: Bullocks.
I was really unhappy that this was the decision, mostly because that meant I had to pay attention. Up until now I had just been pretending to play and reading Christmas cards.
CAPTAIN: Brian, this is our only chance to win this thing. You have to give 110%.
ANOTHER GUY: “Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” -Hebrews 12.1!
ANOTHER GUY: PAIN IS JUST WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY!
ANOTHER GUY: Out run, out hit, out play, out hustle, out WIN!
ME: Seriously, the stuff that inspires you guys does nothing for me.
So we got back on the field (OH SH** I MEAN COURT) and lined up the play. And that was the first time I saw who was guarding me.
[I must have really been into those Christmas cards.]
Sliding past my dainty opponent, I took the basketball and made the shot. While hooting and hollering, I took a victory lap around the court, but then stopped because none of my teammates were joining me.
ME: Guys, come on! WE WON!
CAPTAIN: Big whoop, Brian. You made one shot.
ANOTHER GUY: Yeah.
ANOTHER GUY: Kid.
I think I’ll lump this dream in with the rest of the bullying I went received when I was actually in sports.
