While I was climbing up flights and flights of stairs with groceries, I dropped a bag of chips, a loaf of bread, and some peanut butter, and sincerely hoped they didn’t land on anyone below me.
My sisters pets—two cats, which she has in real life, and her dreampet, a giant white dog—had fleas the size of couscous grains. After cuddling with them, I had like eight of those stupid fleas in my mouth. I found out later that when flicked, the fleas grow much larger and work well as something to attach to a zip line.
Hanging out at my former art teacher’s house, I found out that he used to be a Jew, and that he currently has a super cool dishwasher whose racks roll out and sideways.
The former principal of my high school tried out a rap he was going to share with the kids.
I had to help with an elementary school’s gym class and give them ideas of things to do, and I thought that throwing a bunch of manhole-sized slices of pepperoni for the kids to play with (which the instructors were doing) gave the kids too much pressure to join organized sports.
My parents were making out in my room. Not cool, Mom and Dad.
I ran into a kid from my school who looked like Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter with curly hair, who had quit school and lived on the side of a river in Wisconsin because he fell in love with the taste of the monkeys he found there. The jerk made fun of me reading a book with a portable book light, saying that it was part of my lame religion, and somehow we got into a fistfight.
Because of the fight, I got kicked out of school, and sent to a ranch where Michael Scott from The Office lived alone. He bragged about having a big truck with a bunch of funny action figures and stuff on the dashboard. I later found out that the truck had no engine and that it is so like his character to do something like that.
And then I woke up.
