This third Blogiversary comes quick on the heels of one of the most important days in Popcorn Day history.
Yesterday I met Jenny Lawson, also known in the blog world as The Bloggess. Millions and millions of blog followers, a book that’s been on The New York Times best-sellers list for months, and I met the crap out of her.
I mean, of course, that I went to a book signing and exchanged a stammering sentence or two with her while someone took our picture. Compared to how I had planned our interaction to go, this was a big disappointment. It wasn’t her fault; she was classy and sweet. It was me. Because apparently I become an insecure seizing mess whenever I come in contact with someone I admire.
Take that time, early on in Popcorn Day, when I commented on Emerson Merrick(from An Apple A Day)’s blog and she commented back on mine. Feel free to go back and look at the comments section, in which I had an all-caps freakout about the fact that she commented, and then deleted it and wrote a slightly smoother comment. And THEN I wrote another one that actually responded to her post.
This is how it works, my friends: when I come in contact with celebrities, all I want to do is flip out. Because apparently I’m a 14-year-old girl. BUT I usually catch myself, and go into a mindset of, Hey, if I act really chill and clever maybe they’ll think I’m cooler than all of their other fans and then we’ll become real-life friends.
Which is so likely.
Another example of this is when I met another hero of mine, Andrew Zimmern, at a book signing. Sometime in my twitchy interaction with him, during which I told him that I don’t have any cash to give him for his book but would appreciate just a picture with him, he gave me a free copy in which he wrote, “You owe me $20.”
Because he’s Andrew Zimmern and he’s awesome.
[There’s a picture of me over-reacting to this like a little girl somewhere but “I don’t know where it is.”]
Okay fine, here’s the picture.
[I'm so embarrassed that you're seeing this.]
As I went home, I desperately tried to think of a way to become that cool fan that Andrew Zimmern decides should be his friend and invites over for dinner all the time, so I tried to think of something clever to tweet him.
@DayOfPopcorn @AndrewZimmern: You were great today! I’m that guy you gave the free book to. I’ll get that $20 to you STAT.
@AndrewZimmern @DayOfPopcorn: That was a joke. The book’s on me. Have a good day.
[ME, internally: OH SH** ANDREW ZIMMERN DIDN’T GET MY JOKE. HOW DO I FIX THIS?]
@DayOfPopcorn @AndrewZimmern: You SURE? Haha, just kidding. I know it was a joke. Thanks!
[ME, internally: What is wrong with me? Andrew Zimmern’s never going to invite me over for dinner now.]
And then last night I met Jenny Lawson. She was brilliant.
As I waited in line for her to sign my book, I went through the same failed thought process in my head: What can I say in my short amount of time with her that’s clever enough to make her want to be my real-life friend?
Once I reached her, I got all stuttery and nervous and this is pretty much how the whole interaction went:
JENNY: Hi!
ME: ...Hi!
JENNY: [signing my book]
ME: ....haha! It’s already signed because I pre-ordered it and you sent a signed bookplate with it, but HAHA! I want you to sign it again. Awkward. Funny funny. Thanks.
[ME, internally: What the hell do you think you’re doing? That’s not funny or clever. Recover! Recover you idiot!]
JENNY: [smiles in a picture with me and Christie]
ME: Can I get a picture of just you and me? Because I’m a bigger fan than Christie is.
[ME, internally: Okay, that was supposed to be funny. BUT IT WASN’T. That’s you’re girlfriend you just shafted out of a picture. Not only are you not funny, you’re also a total dick to your girlfriend.]
JENNY: Sure. [awkward chuckle as she smiles with me.]
[I Instragrammed the sh** out of this picture.]
[ME, internally: SAY SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT COPERNICUS.]
ME: Whoops, I knocked over your monkey.
JENNY: Oh, that’s fine. His name is Copernicus and he’s drunker than I am.
ME: Haha!
[ME, internally: WHY DID YOU CALL IT HER ‘MONKEY’? YOU KNOW ITS NAME. Now she doesn’t even think you’re a fan. In her eyes, you’re a person who just happened to walk into the line to have her sign a book you haven’t even read and you don’t know anything about Copernicus and OH, you’re a total dick to your girlfriend.]
ME: Thanks so much for doing all this. It was wonderful to meet you. I’m such a huge fan. Thanks.
[ME, internally: You’ll never be her real-life friend.]
Afterwards I tweeted her twice, and shortly after realized that I did the exact thing with Emerson Merrick and Andrew Zimmern. Why do I feel the need to impress celebrities so I can become their friends? Why can’t I just be satisfied with my normal, un-famous friends, who have accepted that I’m a total spaz?
Probably because going thrift store shopping with The Bloggess or eating something strange with Andrew Zimmern or taking a segway tour with Oprah or sharing a panini with Albus Dumbledore or playing Scrabble with Barack Obama would make me the coolest cat around.