GREAT NEW IDEA: OKakes!

Have you ever wanted to make someone happy by surprising them with a sugary treat, and reply affirmatively to their question at the same time? THEN LOOK NO FURTHER.

As the inventor of SongBomb©™, PoemBomb©™, and RapAttack©™, I am proud to introduce new phenomenon which will be sweeping the nation in no time:

 

 

OKakes!

 

OKakes! are the perfect treat for answering questions in a fun and meaningful way! This is how they work:

1.) Someone asks you a question, for which your answer will ultimately be “Okay.”

2.) Instead of answering, drop whatever you’re doing and run away.

3.) Go and make a cake. It could be any kind of cake, really; a big cake, a little cake, cupcakes, petit fours…really, whatever you want.

4.) Decorate your cake with frosting, and squeeze “OK” onto it.

5.) Bring your newly made OKake to your friend who asked you the question.

6.) They will then reply to your tasty treat/answer with a smile, laughter, a hug, or tears of joy. They’ll LOVE it.

OKakes! are a most versatile concoction! Check out what these fine customers have used them for! 

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See? They’re a perfect idea! Call now for an OKakes! Starters Pack, complete with OKakes! Guide to the Perfect Positive Response, including tips for making OKakes! in advance!*

*It is recommended, especially for the smaller OKakes!, that you keep the letter O and K on the same cake. If not, your friends may wonder why you have KKKakes! sitting around your house.

Submit your own stories and videos of your OKakes! experiences for a chance to win an individualized PoemBomb©™!

Another New Texting Phenomenon

You’ve experienced and loved SongBomb©™, and now I have created a new texting phenomenon that is tearing up the charts of telecommunication!

It’s called…

Poem Invasion®©™

The rules are simple:

1.  You must first receive a text. (This adds to the “sneak attack” nature of Poem Invasion®©™, because the sender actually brings it upon themselves.)

2. You must respond to their text with a reply that rhymes with what they wrote. This will result in a stanza of poetry. (Extra points are awarded if you can also make the two texts rhythmically work together.)

3. Even though rhyming is difficult, it is immensely important to try to keep the conversation on topic. This way you can keep it going as long as possible.*

4. If the person you're Poem Invasion®©™ing gets uncomfortable and asks something about your conversation rhyming, quickly make one last line and say goodbye. (It’s kind of like the movie Inception; once the people become aware that you’re messing with their world, they’ll turn on you. In a Poem Invasion®©™, a sure sign of this is other party ending her or his texts with words like orange, month, or purple. Get out as soon as you can; they’re on to you!)

*In the event that the person you’re Poem Invasion®©™ing replies with “What?”, you are allowed to text them back with a simple, “Whaaat!” However, this transforms Poem Invasion®©™ into:

Rap Attack!!®©™

The rules of Rap Attack!!®©™ are almost identical to Poem Invasion®©™, you just have to add the words yo, krunk, and the suffix -izzle as much as you can. 

 

An Example of Rap Attack!!®©™

Friend: Kissing my boyfriend is such a drag. I wish he were taller.

You: Well if he ever needs a boost, just give a little holler!

Friend: What?

You: Whaaat!

Friend: What are you doing?

You: I’m krunk, yo! I’m on a boat, yo! Look at me, you mizzle fizzle, check out what I’m brewing!

(Any reference to I’m on a Boat automatically gives you extra points.)

Friend: You’re being weird.

You: Whoa! An insult from my bro! I guess I should watch out where I’m shavin’ my beard!

Friend: What?

You: Whaaat!

Friend: Orange orange orange  

You: Okay, see you at dinner. Bye.

It is encouraged to publish the work on facebook or submit it to a literary magazine as unintentional poetry. It's highly, highly conceptual.

New Cool Texting Idea: SongBomb®™

The rules are simple.

1. Pick a friend who texts.

2. Pick a song you would like to get stuck in her or his head.

3. Find the lyrics for that song.

4. Every couple of hours, text him or her a stanza from those lyrics in the order and frequency they appear on the radio.

5. Do not reply to any questions.

6. Continue until the song is done. (This could take days.)

7. Conclude with, “This has been a SongBomb®™. I love you.”

[Yelling "TA DAAAA!!" is optional, but encouraged.]

The only fallback to this is that you may get the song stuck in your head while SongBombing®™ your friend. We’re looking into solutions to that problem.

My preliminary attempt at this was SongBombing®™ my friend Josh. The entire process took three days. For the first two days, I heard nothing back. I began to doubt myself. The following is the process of my thinking:

1. Okay, Josh works a lot during the summer. He’s probably just too busy to check his phone. That’s fine. How funny will it be when he checks it and has the entire Believe by Cher song on his phone?!

2. What if a family member died and he’s not texting me back because (a) he’s pissed because this is totally inappropriate right now, especially at this time when a member of his family has died, and (b) he knows it would be really awkward for both of us to text me back saying, “Um…Could you please stop texting me lyrics from that Cher song? It’s really not making my grieving process any easier to be singing, ‘Do you believe in life after love, after love, after love, after love? I can feel something inside me saying I really don’t think I’m strong enough now,’ in my head while attending the wake of my dead family member.”

3. What if he broke up with his girlfriend and for the same reasons listed in #2 he doesn’t really want to be receiving texts that say things like, “There’s no turning back. I need time to move on. I need love to feel strong…Do you believe in life after love,” while he’s driving in a snotty, tearful mess? This would not be good.

4. What if Josh died? How embarrassing would it be to be texting your dead friend and the way you learned about it would be from a family member sending a text back saying, “Stop sending these. Your best friend is dead. It would be great if you could at least stop harassing him now, since he’s dead and all.”  I would be devastated.

Nonetheless, despite all of the horribly morbid possibilities of why he’s not texting back, I pressed on. With three stanzas left, I received this:

OH THANK GOD.

But I had to stick to the rules, so I couldn’t explain it to him until it was done, even though all I wanted to say was, “Omigod Josh, I’ve been playing a joke on you with SongBomb®™ but when you didn’t reply for three days I worried that maybe you were heartbroken, grieving, or dead, but being the insensitive prick that I am, I kept texting you over and over these lyrics and I can’t get Cher out of my head or my dreams and I feel trapped and alone HELP SOS OMG, lylas.” Keeping my cool, I finished the song and texted rule #7, and he replied with this:

“Did you like it?” I asked.

SUCCESS!! Then I explained a bit of it. He said:

Rule #8: You may not SongBomb®™ anyone with the lyrics to Headstrong. That's just cruel.