In which I pepper a dream I had about Jenna Fischer with lyrics to probably the worst—but also somehow loved—song of our generation

 The other night I dreamed that I was in Disney World, which is good enough for a run-of-the-mill pleasant dream, right? I would have been very satisfied by that alone, thank you very much.

But it got better.

I shall tell you about it. And Anna Nalick will help, because I feel as though her insights shown through metaphors speak deeply to this story.

[You can sense sarcasm even though it’s typed, right? What I meant to say is that Anna Nalick’s Just Breathe (2am) song sucks giant ocelot balls and should only be sung by 11-year-old girls at their school’s talent show.]

Anway. So I was in Disney world, and it was just my dad and I. The moment we walked through the gates and into the park, my Dad grabbed a Mickey Mouse balloon and ran off giggling.

That didn’t really faze me. Plus, I don’t need a chaperone for Disney World; what am I, five? So I went off on my own to go Disney World the crap out of myself.  

At that point, my brain fast-forwarded and brought me to the end of the day, when I was sitting on a bench and eating a Premium Bar. 

Just then Jenna Fischer (yes, Pam Beesly Jenna Fischer, on whom I’ve been crushing since season one of The Office, and who has been in my dreams before) walked up to me. I remember what she was wearing like it was yesterday: a mint-green polo and knee-length safari shorts. Sexy. 

And she came over to me, yes ME! Wow, guys. I feel like I’m naked in front of a crowd, ‘cause these words are my diary screaming out loud.

 

JENNA: Hey there, how’s it going?

ME: Oh, uh, hi, Jenna Fischer! It’s going well!

JENNA: “It’s going well.” You know what, it’s so nice to hear someone use correct grammar when I ask them that. The people I work with here are just all, “I’m doing good,” “I feel good.” …Ugh it’s so annoying!

ME: Wait, do you work at Disney World?

JENNA: Yeah! When I’m not working on The Office, I’m here leading the Safari tours. A bunch of us do it. John Krasinski runs the digital simulation rides, and the lady who plays Phyllis works in one of the Scandinavian food restaurants in Epcot. It's great! I don’t know about other people, but I like to say that Disney World is the happiest place on earth.

ME: I SAY THAT EXACT SAME THING, JENNA FISCHER.

[It's a little difficult to show how hot she was while trying to draw a mint polo and safari shorts, okay? My drawing skills aren't necessarily honed enough that I can draw those kinds of subtleties with a Sharpie.]

Jenna Fischer and I ended up talking for a long time. And readers, don’t tell anyone, but we totally hit it off. We laughed together, we had the same interests, we talked about our childhoods…IT WAS SO AWESOME.

(Christie was somehow nonexistent in this dream, which is weird, but she can’t be mad because she also had a dream recently where I was nonexistent. So…tit for tat.)

After awhile, I thought to myself, “Wanna hold [her], maybe I’ll just sing about it.” But then I thought, “Why only sing about it? This is MY dream, I can do what I want!”  So I made to go hold her hand, which was kindly rejected. I wasn’t totally crushed, because our eyes had this conversation:

JENNA’S EYES: Hey, don’t worry, I’ll be totally fine with this on maybe our first date or something. You can’t jump the track; we’re like cars on a cable.

MY EYES: But life’s like an hourglass glued to the table!

JENNA’S EYES: Just be patient, Brian. I’m into you. 

So I felt all right about it. In the end, we had to say goodbye, but she gave me her digits (that means phone number, Mom). I made sure to put that in the most protected pocket on my backpack. "I guess I'll go find my dad. I hope he still has his balloon," I said.

And then I woke up. Without Jenna Fischer's digits. 

As someone once said,

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout, but you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

[Spoiler alert: this means that you’re in the middle of the tunnel.]